Governor Joe Manchin has apologized to the West Virginia Patriots for Peace (an extremist anti-war group) for writing, “Sending you to Hell from Almost Heaven” on a hellfire missile while visiting our troops in Iraq.

The Patriots for Peace’s letter to Manchin said they were shocked to discover he had written such patriotic words. After all, reasoned the Patriots for Peace, “your words etched on a missile seemed to contradict not only your own deeply held Christian faith, but the good spirit of West Virginians trying, in the face of war, to escape hateful and revengeful feelings.”

First, the idea that a key tenet to Christianity is pacifism is a view narrowly held by their organization. Second, the number of West Virginians trying to “escape hateful and revengeful feelings” is equal to their membership (whose ranks swell every Thursday when they have their annual folk singing competition).

Governor Manchin’s groveling to the West Virginia Patriots for Peace has left me wondering which is more disagreeable: politicians unwilling to take a stand for America (or any stand for that matter) or those whose drug related indiscretions of the past leave them void of cognizant thought.

Manchin’s obtuse apologies, both to the delegation delivering the letter and to the president of the West Virginia Patriots for Peace reveals a characteristic that will ultimately be his downfall. He never likes anyone to be angry or upset with him. I have seen time and again where a legislator will get out of sorts with Manchin and he will do all he can to get back in their favor. Has the man any dignity?

But the real story is our Birkenstock clad friends. These so-called Patriots for Peace are neither patriots or peaceful. After all, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, a patriot is “One who loves, supports, and defends one’s country.” While their degree of love for the United States cannot be measured (everybody knows hippies are lovers), it is the “defends one’s country” part that is keeping me up at night. The word “patriot” defines what it takes to keep the peace: the willingness to defend it no matter what. The word “patriot” is an oxymoron that has eluded our incense-sniffing brethren. To keep the peace you must endure unpeaceful times.

Or we can do as the Patriots for Peace and unintelligently advocate no war under any circumstance and be just like France. The strategy has really worked well for a country that used to be called “Germany” before we saved them.

Now to the words Manchin wrote, “Sending you to Hell from Almost Heaven.” Where else do the Patriots for Peace think terrorists who decapitate innocent people, use mentally disabled children as living explosives and support ethnic cleansing will go? Do they really believe we will see them in Heaven?

Surely they did not object to the use of the “h word.” It is not cursing: it is geography. Besides, they did not seem sensitive to the use of salty language as they cursed at me and invited me to relax in the warmer climates of Hades while I silently held a pro-Bush sign during the last election.

“I wish to apologize if I offended anyone. That certainly was never my intent,” Manchin wrote in his letter. “As I look back, I realize I could have chosen better wording; however, I was caught in a moment of excitement and camaraderie with our troops.”

What should Manchin have written instead? We are all adults here. There is no need to sugarcoat what a missile will do. In retrospect there were alternative sentences:

What about something scriptural? “And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces” (I Samuel 15:33)

Or practical? “DUCK!”

Or entrepreneurial? “This missile sponsored by your friendly corner drugstore. For those headaches that just won’t go away, visit your local corner drugstore!”

What about accommodating? “Wanna be a martyr?”

Maybe he should have remembered his party’s base. “This missile manufactured by a democrat and a union man.”

Regardless, he chose to be witty. Too bad the only ones who did not find it funny were the hippies and, well, the poor Jihadist who got the message that day.